Curling a Man’s Sport – Repurposed
I wrote this a few years ago, while I was working in newspapers and was home during the 2010 Winter Olympics. I, Like many Americans, got way into some curling.
And, like many Americans, I have no clue how curling works. Well, read below to see how one of the greatest sports of all time, is actually played.
So, the Olympics are on and that means countless hours of watching sports you never knew about.
But one that is everyone’s favorite is the great Scottish past time of heaving heavy stones on ice. And when they did it, they were hammered out of their minds.
And we watch the stones go to and fro, slamming into one another. And there is that target, and I always hope for a bullseye, or whatever they call it.
And luckily enough for everyone here, I have way too much time on my hands and I can now in fact, tell you about Curling.
So, there are four dudes to a team. Unless there are women. Cause then they wouldn’t be dudes…FYI, a proper use of dude will be coming this week.
Four players to a team. First thrower is known as the Lead. They always throw first and tend to be the crappy player, cause their throw usually doesn’t matter worth jack.
I don’t know if that part is necessarily true, but run with me on this.
Second thrower, known as Second. Third as Third. Easy enough so far right.
Last thrower is the Skip. He is the team captain and directs the shots. You know that guy that stands at the opposite end with his stick on the ground, looking all lazy? That is the team’s fearless leader who is thinking 25 moves ahead.
Chess champs only do 12. See, Curling is for real thinkers.
So, while Joe Smartpants is directing shots, the other two team members have to sweep like hell to get the thrower’s shot where Joe wants it.
And if Joe doesn’t get what he wants someone has to pay.
So stones start flying, but how in the hell do you win?
Well, good question random voice.
Even though there is a massive freaking target and you think, “Hey as long as I am close enough, we are scoring.”
Well this isn’t your high school prom, bucko, and close enough doesn’t mean you can brag to your friends about how you are now a man because you brushed against a butt. And the part you don’t tell anyone, is that it was dark and you have no idea whose butt it was, you just claim it to be the hottest chick at school.
This is Curling. And people are watching. You have to score properly.
You have to get the stone on the red circle. And you have to make sure the shot goes past what is called the hog line to make a valid stone. Because no one likes an invalid stone.
Moving right along, each thrower heaves two stones and this process is done 8 times. The highest score wins and everyone shakes hand in a gentlemanly fashion saying, “Good Curling, Chap.”
I added the Chap. Just seemed fitting.
The best part of Curling, just like the best part of Women’s Tennis, is the screaming that happens. For such a calm sport, it seems like all the athletes that compete in this event are going to have high blood pressure issues.
I hope this helped out somewhat to figure what the hell they were doing.
Anyway, got to go. I got some stones to throw.